What Do You Want?

Summary

Have you ever stopped to truly consider what you want out of life? A key theme that comes up with many of my clients is difficulty in expressing or explaining what they want from a given circumstance, situation, or scenario. It can be relatively easy to explain their interpretations of what is happening literally, but when we dig deeper it becomes a more complex situation in terms of articulating their wants. I could try my best Spice Girls impression and just come out with a rousing rendition of “Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.”, but I can’t see that helping us move the client forward to where they have greater clarity.

In this blog we will discuss the art and science of wanting, why it is sometimes difficult to express, and what we can do to get further clarity and actionable steps to move forward.

What is Want?

Let’s first explore what we mean by want. According to dictionary.com, want is described as follows:

• To feel a need or a desire for
• To wish, need, crave, demand, or desire
• To require or need

Summing these references, want refers to a desire or longing for something that you currently do not possess. That could be a tangible physical thing, a feeling, an emotion, or an experience. It could be said that by having want present is representative of a conscious or subconscious recognition of a perceived lack (of something) in your life. You don’t have the thing, therefore that creates want for you to have or get it.

Whether the need or desire for you to obtain your want is rational, realistic, fair, or even possible is irrelevant to the discussion at this point. What we’re exploring right now is the science behind wanting and getting us closer to a spot where we can identify it better, understand it more quickly, and move to action in addressing it.

The following are some examples of wants that you might have experienced:

• Happiness: The desire to be happy with life. This could be a want to be happier than you are right now, or an aspiration to sustain your current level of happiness
• Less stress: The possibility to reduce or eliminate existing stressors from your life
• More money: Increased net wealth or financial abundance
• Less / more responsibility: Depending on where you are in your life, there might be a desire for a change in responsibility levels for you
• A chance: Recognition that you deserve an opportunity to prove your worth, talent, or skills in a certain area
• Material possessions: Tangible things such as a new car, a dream house, clothing, the latest gadget, or that designer watch you’ve always admired
• Career: The desire to achieve professional success, recognition, or a fulfilling career
• Relationships and love: Meaningful connections, love, and companionship
• Personal growth and development: Improving yourself, learning new skills, or pursuing your personal goals
• Experiences and adventures: Explore the world, travel to new places, and have meaningful adventures
• Health and well-being: Prioritize your physical and mental well-being

Consider things in your life that you want today. Do they align with the examples above or are they different? What did you do or are you doing about working towards getting them?

How To Know What You Want

There are various questions that I contemplate regularly and versions of these are present in many coaching conversations:

• How unambiguous am I about what I want from my life, relationships, career, and health?
• Could I easily explain it to someone clearly and in a way that is easy to understand?
• Am I able to fully attach my why to my wants?

I often wonder how much time we spend on truly articulating what we want and even when we do spend the time, how methodical or thought-out is our process of identifying, analyzing, formulating, and articulating what it is that we want.

Your approach to establishing your wants will most likely be determined by their gravity or importance. For example, if you’re choosing between a coffee or a tea, the blue shirt vs. the white shirt, or whether to drive or walk, a want will be evident (e.g., I want my thirst quenched, I want to look good and be comfortable, I want to get there on time), your habits and preferences will assist you in your decision making. If your want is of a larger scale (e.g., I want to change careers, move countries, or climb Mount Everest), further and deeper exploration of the want would be recommended.

For me, establishing my want can be a bit random and typically isn’t the same each time, and this is one of the main inspirations for writing this blog. Recently I was challenged by a fellow coach to consider what I wanted, why I wasn’t going after it, and to be open to the possibility that fear was a factor. As we worked through this micro-session, and I began verbalizing my want it became clear that I wasn’t as considered as I believed I was in my thoughts. My want was general, not clearly articulated, explainable, and obviously needed some work. Lesson learned.

The following sections will work through some key areas associated with your wants to help shed light on key factors that you can use as you establish how you would manifest your want into a reality.

Start with What You Don’t Want

I know this sounds simplistic, and what I can tell you is that this approach often helps clients get unstuck and start to work towards what they do want by clearly articulating what they don’t want. Sometimes it’s just easier to start here.

Starting with what you know that you don’t want is a process of elimination and helps train your thought patterns to gain clarity on the parameters you’re working within. Start by asking yourself some questions and recording (writing down) your answers, such as:

• What is the most obvious thing that I don’t want to happen? Start from the most obvious examples or scenarios and work form there. Think safety, security, relationships, health, etc.
• How do I not want to feel? Attaching a feeling to an outcome works as a powerful guide for you
• Reflecting on past experiences, what are some patterns or situations that I want to avoid in the future? Using direct or indirect historical experience will help in creating clarity around what is not desirable
• What have I learned from past experiences that can guide me in clarifying what I don’t want? Digging deeper into your own experiences will further embellish the clarity you are seeking for what you want to avoid

Ultimately, you’re looking to establish a level of understanding of what you don’t want to help you gain clarity on what you do want. The above list would be a good start in establishing the areas you’d rather not experience.

The Influence of Desires

Everyone has desires. There is a direct influence from your desires on your wants. If you’re a bit fuzzy on what your desires are, consider answering the following questions:

• What activities or hobbies bring me the most joy and fulfillment? Why?
• If money were no object, what would I spend my time doing? Why?
• What are some long-term goals or dreams that I’ve always had but haven’t pursued yet? Why?

The ‘what’ questions will likely be easier to answer than the ‘why’ ones. Once you have information from at least the ‘what’ questions, consider what is holding you back from pursuing your desires. One key blocker for clients in coaching is limiting beliefs (a generality, label, or formed idea that you have learned and accepted about yourself, the world, or people that in some way limits you). We all have limiting beliefs. To discover yours as it relates to uncovering your desires, consider asking yourself:

• What beliefs do you hold about yourself, others, or your situation that may be holding you back from pursuing your desires? Be honest and open with yourself
• How true are your beliefs? Possibly use a scaling response (1-10)
• What fears or doubts arise when you think about going after what you truly want? What evidence do you have to support your fears and doubts?
• How can you reframe your thoughts and beliefs to support your desires and goals? There is always another way to look at things. How easy is this for you to do?

If you wanted to dig deeper on your wants and desires, you could also investigate the influence of your core values, beliefs (not only limiting), and social expectations.

The key message here is that everyone has desires, and your desires will influence your wants. Identifying and acknowledging your desires will allow you to think more holistically about what is driving your wants.

Create Your Vision

Once you understand the influence of your desires, and you know what you don’t want, you can move toward truly understanding what you want and moving towards this. More importantly, you’ll be able to clearly articulate (to yourself and others) and communicate what it is that you want and why. To get to this stage of clarity is not an insignificant achievement.

From here you could then turn your attentions to setting intentions to start to move closer to what it is that you want to turn your visions into something more tangible. Further breaking your vision and intentions into goal setting will help you create actionable steps forward.

Coach Gaz Challenge: The next time you’re struggling to decide, consider reflecting on what it is you really want as a desirable outcome. How easy is this to determine for you? How much clarity do you have right now? If you need some help figuring it out, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Good luck!

I’m always open to a conversation on your thoughts, opinions, and experiences on this or any topic in the library. Get in touch by subscribing below, or by using the form on the Book Gary of the site.