7 Steps to Improve Your Listening Skills

Summary

For over 10-years I have been fascinated by the way we listen. Or should I say by the way we don’t listen which seems more and more common in today’s distraction-centric world. I can’t remember what put me on the listening track, but I recall having a habit at one time of presenting at conferences on topics that annoyed me in general, so maybe that was it.

Despite there being a plethora of research on the art and science of listening, it is still one of the more poorly performed acts in human dynamics today. In this blog we’ll walk through some of the basics of listening, types and styles of listening, and some tips for how to get better at it.

Hearing vs. Listening

Before we dive into the styles, science, and art of listening, I want to be completely clear on the difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is the passive, physiological act of perceiving sound in your ears. For the most part hearing will be involuntary. Hearing is essentially the mechanics that happen inside your ears and the engagement of the noise with your neural pathways to help decipher and understand the sounds you are hearing.

Listening goes beyond the mechanics of receiving and deciphering sound. While listening does involve the hearing component it delves further into the sound via acts such as actively paying attention, understanding, and interpreting the messages being communicated. Listening involves demonstrating understanding, using data from emotions, body language, intonation, and other factors to gain a deeper level of information on what is being transmitted.

Listening Types

There are a variety of ways that we listen determined by the circumstance, location, and intention. Here are a few key ones to consider, in alphabetical order with no intentional priority intended:

• Active: This is when you fully engage with the speaker, giving them your undivided attention, focusing on understanding their message, asking questions, and providing feedback to show that you’re dynamically involved in the conversation
• Appreciative: Involves listening for enjoyment or pleasure and is commonly associated with activities like listening to music, storytelling, or engaging in entertainment. The focus here is on appreciating the content rather than actively analyzing or evaluating it
• Comprehensive: Similar to active listening, this focuses on comprehending, understanding, and analyzing the information being presented. It is commonly used in educational, professional, or academic settings
• Critical: Involves analyzing and evaluating the information being presented. You listen carefully to identify any biases, logical fallacies, or inconsistencies in the speaker’s message. Like comprehensive listening, this type of listening is often used in academic or professional settings
• Defensive: Listening to discover arguments for yourself and / or against a speaker
• Dichotic: Listening to two things at once, where different sounds or messages are presented simultaneously to each ear. The listener is then tasked with focusing on one message while ignoring the other
• Discriminative: Focusing on the sounds and their nuances, including the ability to distinguish between different sounds, tones, pitches, or accents
• Empathetic: This type of listening involves not only understanding the words being said but also trying to understand the speaker’s experiences, emotions, and perspective. Not necessarily to agree with, but to understand the speaker
• Informative: When the primary goal is to gain knowledge or gather information. The listener pays close attention to the details and facts being presented
• Therapeutic: A type of listening used in counseling or therapy sessions. The listener provides a safe and non-judgmental space for the speaker to express their thoughts, feelings, and emotions

Optimum Conditions for Listening

Everyone has their own personal optimum conditions for listening. If you give yourself the opportunity to consider what yours are, you’ll be in a stronger position to both understand when the conditions are right and be able to act if the conditions are wrong. Below are foundational circumstances that are important for you to grasp:

• You know when you are listening
• You know when you are not listening
• You know when you are being listened to
• You know when you are not being listened to

You already know this, yet many times for some reason we’ll continue down a path of trying to either absorb or impart information when we know the optimum conditions for listening are not present. Why do we do that when it typically leads to communication breakdowns, frustration, ineffective communications, and strained relationships?

To understand your own optimum conditions for listening, consider how well you perform in the following areas by rating yourself on a 1-5 scale (1 being ‘I’m terrible at this’, 5 being ‘I’m utterly ace at this’):

• Presence: Giving your full attention to the speaker
• Distraction management: Reducing or eliminating distractions and focusing on what is being said
• Eye contact: If in person or in certain virtual settings, this shows the speaker that you’re engaged and interested in what they have to say
• Interrupting: Do you always allow the speaker to finish their thoughts before responding? Interrupting can disrupt their flow and make them feel unheard
• Clarifying: If you’re unsure about something, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification. This shows that you’re actively trying to understand their message
• Empathy: Try to understand the speaker’s perspective and emotions. Put yourself in their shoes and show genuine empathy and understanding
• Summarizing: After the speaker has finished, summarize what you’ve heard to ensure you understood their message correctly

Did you score a 7, a 35, or somewhere in between?

What stood out for you upon reflection of your score? Are there areas that you instinctively knew you were stronger / weaker in?

I suspect that you’ll have some areas of strength and some leaving room for improvement. Displaying strength in each area can help you become a more effective listener and enhance your communication skills.

So, what are your optimum conditions for listening? This is where it gets interesting. You will likely have different listening conditions determined by the context, including internal and external factors, such as:

• Internal:
  • Your physical and mental energy
  • Your level of presence
  • Attention span
  • Biases and assumptions
  • Level of interest in the topic
  • Cultural nuances

• External:
  • Time of day
  • Location
  • Physical environment
  • Technological and digital distractions
  • Loudness / quietness of the area
  • Loudness / quietness of the speaker, including pitch, tone, speed, etc.
  • Quality of delivery
  • Cultural nuances

You can see that there is a lot to consider and manage when trying to reach the optimum conditions for listening. Recognizing these factors, in yourself and others, will help you take steps to overcome barriers to your optimum listening. Versions of these conditions are in all of us, so consider this when you notice someone else not listening to you. Give them (and yourself) some grace and chart a path to resetting some conditions to help you get back on track.

What to do When Your Optimum Listening Conditions are Compromised

When you know that you are not fully listening to someone, though you know you should be, what do you do about that? In my experience, many people aren’t fully aware that they’re not listening, thus they don’t do much to course correct. Now that you’re at this point in the blog, with the learnings you’ve gained thus far, thankfully this will never be you again. You have options open to you, determined in part by the circumstances of the situation:

• Being honest is important. Stop the speaker, apologize, let them know you tuned out but that you know the amount of effort that’s gone into this talk, and you want to give it the respect it deserves, while also digesting the information being shared. Ask what the speaker would prefer to do, e.g., start over, start from a particular point in the conversation, reschedule for another time, etc.
• If in a group setting and the option to stop and reset isn’t there, you can give yourself a ‘senses shake’, do whatever mental or physical refreshment exercises needed, then listen actively from that point forward (perhaps borrowing notes from people who appeared to be listening to the parts you missed)
• If it’s online and being recorded, you can go back and review the talk when your optimum conditions exist

And the other way around – what would you do if you’re speaking to someone, and it becomes apparent that they are not listening to you? You could get mad or petulant, react and teach them a lesson by humiliating them in some way. Try that and see how much that serves you. Or you could simply stop your talk at a logical point and say something like:

• “I noticed I lost you for a little bit there. This is a really important topic and I want to make sure you can absorb it as intended so that we’re all set up for success going forward. Should we take a break, and I can start from where I think I lost you?”

This approach demonstrates empathy for whatever the listener has going on, shows them respect by highlighting their importance, has a progressive approach to moving forward, and will allow them and you to have a reset and get back on track.

Improve Your Listening Skills

Depending on what part of your listening skill set needs to be refined will determine where you concentrate your development efforts. Firstly, I would recommend paying closer attention to the 7 areas listed above and measuring yourself on each going forward. Focusing on these key areas will give you an awareness of and information from ongoing observation and measurement.

Below are recommendations to consider for improving your listening skills:

1. Practice: Consider the areas you know you’re weaker in and create a plan for strengthening these skills. Actively engage in conversations by giving your full attention to the speaker. Avoid distractions, maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in what they’re saying. Practice being fully present in the moment
2. Observation: Be mindful of your listening style and the listening styles of others. Get curious with the data that this presents, see the patterns, and establish actions to remove barriers to listening
3. Non-verbal cues: Be mindful of non-verbal cues such as body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. These cues can provide additional context and help you better understand the speaker’s message. By purposely paying attention to these cues, you’ll practice a heightened sense of awareness for what they’re telling you, thus will encourage greater listening presence
4. Feedback: Ask for feedback from others on your listening skills
5. Training: For areas that you know need attention, engage in active learning, e.g., attend workshops, seminars, or courses on effective communication and listening skills
6. Reflect and learn: Reflect on previous conversations and identify areas where you could have listened differently. Learn from mistakes you made and make a conscious effort to improve in those areas moving forward
7. Patience: Listening requires patience, as it may take time for the speaker to fully express themselves or their point. Avoid rushing or jumping to conclusions. Give the speaker the space they need to communicate their message

These can be incorporated into daily practice to give you the best chances of success in upping your listening game. Give one, some, or all of them a try and see how that helps you establish greater success in your listening practices.

Summary

Being listened to is something that makes us all feel valued, however truly listening is not an easy thing to do consistently. With so many distractions around us in today’s world, active listening is not as simple as putting your phone down or switching the TV off when someone is attempting to engage in dialogue. Consider what you need to do to listen better and be mindful of what other people might need so they can listen to you more attentively. Little will go wrong if you engage in present and active listening as a life practice going forward.

The next time you encounter a situation where someone who should be listening is not, be empathetic, approach the situation with grace and respect, and collectively work on a more appropriate way forward in the moment.

Coach Gaz Challenge: Think about how you listen today. Think about how other people listen. Model the skills of people who do it better than you and be mindful about the gains that you make in this area. It will serve you and your relationships greatly in the future.

I’m always open to a conversation on your thoughts, opinions, and experiences on this or any topic in the library. Get in touch by subscribing below, or by using the form on the Book Gary of the site.